| Tuesday, August 21st, 2007 |
| 10:38 pm |
Lets try this again
Ok here we go. I'm going to attempt to keep this a tad more updated. Its been ages so here is what I have been up to. I moved to Tucson, Arizona with my brother. We have an apartment together. I got a job at Sears, he got a job at Red Lobster. He was making way more money than me so I quit my job and got one at Red Lobster too. My parents decided to move down here too and now live about 20 minutes away. Me and my brother quit my job and are trying to do real estate investing with my parents. So far we're still learning but I think we could make this work. I'll get more specific in future updates assuming I can actually keep this up. |
| Tuesday, August 9th, 2005 |
| 3:20 am |
?s
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 5 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends(including myself) to ask you anything. I'll try to keep up with questions the best I can. Thank you. |
| Thursday, July 7th, 2005 |
| 2:37 am |
i cry sad tears
 Your Evanescence song is: Going Under You are or have been in a relationship where you were suppressed and unhappy. You were treated badly, and were somewhat brainwashed. Now you've woken up and are in deep pain. You want some gratitude for all things you have done for him/her, but don't get any. You feel like you are falling and have difficulty getting back on the right track again since your mental abuse has taken a toll on you.
Screaming Deceiving and Bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me What Evanescence song are you?[many outcomes + wonderful pictures] brought to you by Quizilla |
| Monday, April 11th, 2005 |
| 12:52 am |
If I had a subject it wouldn't be in an LJ
I don't update much here anymore b/c no one really reads me here. I barely exist here. Thats ok though I suppose. I'm too concerned with how open I want to be here to tell hardly anyone what my LJ name is so its my own damn fault more people don't know this journal exists. That and I choose such bizarre interests. Oh well. Things are bad but no worse than normal. In fact they might be looking up soon. Work is in steady decline but I'm looking into investment stuff so I can quit. Living at home is as bad as ever but hopefully it won't be permanent either. Relationships only get more complex. Its to this point where I'm worried I'm going to become detached. Like I'll completely lose all ability to differentiate my own feelings and what they mean. What I want has become out of line with what I need to do and what I can do and I'm no longer sure what is really more important. Is it worth it to do what you feel like you have to if it makes you miserable now? I mean I think it will pay off in the long run but I know for sure it sucks now. Hopefully its all gonna play out all right but the odds aren't looking good. I'm just glad I like to bet on the long shot. |
| Sunday, December 12th, 2004 |
| 12:42 am |
A23
Well its time for another update and the reason this time is about the best new CD I have heard this year. So hear is my review of it. Assemblage 23 - Storm To be honest I've only recently gotten into Assemblage 23, picking up Contempt and then Defiance and Failure all earlier this year. They are a very talented EBM band and I have really enjoyed their sound but there hasn't really been anything that made them stand out as truly excellent to me. Until now that is. Storm is the best CD I have heard all year and my favorite Assemblage 23 CD yet. Its filled with deep meaningful songs and haunting melodies. But more than anything its the musical quality of the album that really draws me to it. The lyrics and melodies are just as interesting as their earlier stuff but the whole package feels tighter to me and the album as a whole seems to really benefit from it. In my opinion this should be the album that shows that Assemblage 23 is no longer a second tier EBM band but has finally arrived and should be listed among Covenant, and Apoptygma Berzerk as the best the genre has to offer. Personal favorites for me include of course the singles Let the Wind Erase Me and Ground but also You Haven't Earned It, Human and the hauntingly beautiful 30kft. I personally found the final track 30kft to be absolutely amazing and best listened to after the entire album. The album overall is far faster except for that song and it finishes the album leaving you wanting more but knowing the package is complete. This is the album for me that takes Tom Shear from the level of talented musician to genius and to be sure I will be picking up the singles and eagerly awaiting the American tour. |
| Saturday, September 11th, 2004 |
| 12:54 am |
its time to write again
Seeing as how I am looking to start a career as a writer it would seem logical to be writing in here again. Its been a long time but I feel like writing and so I shall. Since last I posted I dropped out of school, got a job, quit that job for a better job, decided I didn't like some aspects of that new job and quit it too. I am working on a pilot for a TV series to be submitted to a sitcom contest run by Bravo TV. I'm enjoying working on it and finding a way to actually express myself sometimes. I've started writing more in general because of it and reading more as well. I'm starting to remember the people who matter most to me also and trying to find a way to show them that again. Sometimes I think I do but most of the time I feel like nothing can ever be enough. One person in particular has really held me together for a while and I can never express that gratitude enough. So all I'm going to do is try to make her effort worthwhile. I'm ready to be a person that it was worth to hold together. I'm not starting over but I am starting something new. I am ready to live. The time is now. Its time to write again. |
| Friday, May 28th, 2004 |
| 6:37 am |
Leading Myself On
You won’t leave him To be with me Some things just Aren’t meant to be And still I hope And still I pray Expect to hear Everyday You want me back You’re sorry so You want to say C’mon lets go Let’s try again One last time Once again Will you be mine But I know Just what’s wrong I’m leading Myself on Its just not true You don’t have words To meet my ears It won’t be heard You want him more Than you want me And that the way It’ll always be But still everyday I hope to hear That once again You’ll hold me dear But instead I know inside My deep love Has been denied And I know Just what’s wrong I’m leading Myself on I want to hope That things will change But in the end They’re still the same Only friends Never hurt so much Except from you Cause I had such Hopes that you Could be the one That maybe I’d finally found Someone who wants Someone who cares About me So unaware Oblivious To the fact That its you I’ll always lack And still I hope And wonder why Everyday Unsatisfied Still I know Just what’s wrong I’m only Leading myself on |
| Tuesday, April 27th, 2004 |
| 3:00 am |
Waiting for you to want me
Every time I’m close you step away Every time I need you, you can’t stay Whenever I feel hurt you just move on Yet from all this I should grow strong But instead I just feel dead inside Want to retreat, I want to hide I want away from all this pain But over time its still the same Every time you call I’ll come Anything you need I’ll try I’ll tear apart my very home I’ll serve you ‘til the day I die And all I ask is simple care Just that you will still be there To hold me close sometimes at night To keep me safe when I feel fright Instead I’m the one holding you But you’re still holding to him too Why can’t you be just all for me What do I lack? Why can’t you see? I’d give it all to be your man If only I can Every wish is my command No matter how it pains me so I still follow your demands Even when I know that I should go Still I stay and hope to see That someday you’ll love me for me Instead of hoping I’ll become Someone who can be your only one Its like in every single race I always come in second place And every time I try to run I’m just back where I begun Waiting for you to want me |
| Thursday, March 18th, 2004 |
| 3:10 am |
st pats
whoo!!! happy st patricks day. its not quite still st pats anymore but i say it is b/c i haven't gone to sleep yet. i love being irish. |
| Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004 |
| 9:58 pm |
sometimes i think god is laughing at me |
| Saturday, December 13th, 2003 |
| 11:47 am |
Is there ever one?
Hmm not even really sure how to update anymore. I’m doing poorly in all three classes I am taking this term and I don’t really care. None of them feel like they will ever be useful to me. Two are basically below the level I am at but they contain enough specific information that I am still managed to fail both midterms despite how easy they are. Differential Equations is challenging yet pointless. I don’t need any more calculus so I don’t care. I’m not sure what to do about anything anymore and I feel like its causing me to withdraw. As if I just don’t care enough to pull myself out of this. I know I could but why bother? There is only one person who is offering me the support I need and I keep hurting her even though I don’t mean to. I feel like everyone else either thinks I’m totally fine because they buy the bullshit mask I wear or has given up on me. I want something to change but I don’t even know what I want anymore or how to go about making it happen. I just need some sort of back support structure I think. I want to know that there is more than one person out there willing to lend a hand. And she’s wonderful enough she could support me all on her own. But that scares me because last time I leaned on someone so heavily they alienated me from all my friends and family and then pulled the support out from under me. It has taken me a long time to get back to this point and I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t even know if I could go through that again. I barely know why I’m writing this since all of one person reads this and she already knows how I feel. Well at least I think she does. Lately I’ve been having serious issues expressing much of anything correctly. Well here it is. My updated journal. Let the rejoicing commence. Current Mood:  apathetic |
| Friday, November 14th, 2003 |
| 11:11 pm |
its been forever.5
So its been a long while since I updated. What has changed since then? Everything and nothing. I feel completely in love. It has changed my life. I found someone who really matters to me and really understands who I am and what I am underneath it all. Naked of all pretense we found love and its at the same time the source of greatest happiness and profoundest misery in my life right now. I need to be with her but I can’t and won’t be able to except briefly for a long time. So in other words I’m head over heels in love and my world has been turned upside down. Other than that things are about the same. Still in school. Still don’t care. WPI is so much better than Prin but I still feel something missing. I don’t really quite fit in here either. Its a close match but when you look close enough its just not quite the right fit. I’m ready for something more. I’ve been in school too long. I’m tired of waiting for all my patience to pay off. I want my effort to matter. I want to work a job I care about. I want to do something that matters. Anything really. But most of all. I miss Celia. Current Mood:  discontent |
| Monday, September 22nd, 2003 |
| 4:40 pm |
all the usual
So ok its been a while so I will try to go in order of oldest news first. This weekend I went to a magic tournament for the prerelease of the next set of cards named Mirrodin. I went with some people to the first part of the tournament at midnight and was shocked to find out there were 98 people playing at midnight. I ended up finishing just out of range for prizes but did pretty well. The next morning I played again (basically I just took a break for breakfast) and did about the same. I did a lot of good trading and had a lot of fun but one of my folders of cards got disappeared somewhere along the line so that was disappointing. There wasn't much of anything good in it so its not a huge loss but still not a great thing. However I did end up trading for a lot of cards I needed so that was kewl and I had a lot of fun. When I got back from the tournament I had been awake for about 36 hours or longer with only a nap in the car and my contacts had been in for a large portion of this time. I came back and was about to get online and update my journal and IM people and all that but I decided I should take my contacts out first. Taking out my contacts proved rather arduous and it felt like I tore off the top layer of my eye I had had the contacts in so long. My eyes were tired and sore and I could barely keep them open so I decided to lay down for maybe an hours. 17 and half hours later I woke up. It was quite a shock but I felt really rested so that was good. So on Sunday I basically just talked to people online and stuff and got hooked on zelda again. I didn't really get any homework done but I didn't have a whole lot so I decided just to get up early. I got up early this morning and finished most of my Philosophy homework. The part I didn't get to we ended up not discussing in class so no big deal there. And then I talked to her about why I had missed on Friday and she was totally understanding and she was more concerned about how my Calculus had turned out with the extra study time. I thought that was pretty kewl how understanding she was. In Programming Languages I had a mid term and I hadn't studied for it at all mostly because its just not the kind of mid term you can really study for. It was a really tough test though. I think I did pretty well and I checked my answers as I went a little bit but on the last one I had a correct answer I think but it just looked really messy because I had crossed out quite a few things so I decided to rewrite it and just as I finished rewriting it the TA called time. Of all the people I talked to I was the only one who even finished it so I feel pretty good about that. Now on to the highlight of my day. I went to Calc and the teacher says that he has finished grading the tests and that most everyone did really well except for a few people and that he would be handing them back at the end of class. So I spent the whole time totally nervous about it. And then right before he hands them back he tells us the high score was a 40/40 and the low was a 20/40. And that made me cringe because I thought I was doing the worst in the class so I figured the 20 might be mine. However, a few of the people around me were struggling also so we kinda figured it was one of us. Well they all got theirs back before me and they did ok like 30 or higher so I was totally freaking out. I said out loud "the suspense is killing me" and the teacher heard me and is like well we don't want that so he went through the stack and handed me mine. And I got a 38/40! I was so pumped. Thats not only an A but its a solid A. I felt so good I was seriously elated and just like giddy about it. I walked outside with my friend Sean and was just in a daze. Then I saw this guy videotaping the fountain we have in the middle of this courtyard. Its just a ground level fountain and since I was all super hyper happy I handed my bad and wallet to Sean and ran straight through it. It was totally awesome. Then I bought a plant and came back to my room where I sit now still wet catching you all up on the news. Now I think its time for Zelda :) |
| Friday, September 19th, 2003 |
| 4:16 pm |
more calc stuff
Yeah so today was another calc test and I had conference for it this morning at noon. A friend of mine in the class asked if I wanted to study with him until the test and I told him I couldn't because I had class for the next two hours. Then I thought about it a little and realized I am doing really well in both those classes and totally failing calculus. So I skipped both of my other classes and studied calc for another two hours. I think it paid off though. I feel pretty good about the quiz and after asking around with other people I think I got at least a 30/40 so I'm pretty happy about it. However, 4 hours of calculus in a row has left me utterly drained. I think I'm going back to bed. |
| Wednesday, September 17th, 2003 |
| 8:11 pm |
nothing really
Well I'm noticing no one seems to really care about my calculus class enough to comment on it but thats fine. I'm going to share more anyways. The other day we had a lab and I totally understood it and was the second person done. So I consider that a good sign. We'll see how the test goes Friday though. Other than that I haven't been up to much. I've got a big trip to Boston planned for this weekend to go to a Magic tournament. And yes that makes me a huge dork but I enjoy it so I will keep doing it. I feel like I have so much going on but nothing really coming from any of it. At least the terms here are short and I can get some time off soon. I think I need food or sleep or something. Oh well. Current Mood: apathetic |
| Monday, September 15th, 2003 |
| 6:32 pm |
Calculus := bad
So yes it is time for another update on Calculus. I got back the test I took Friday, the one I thought I did well on. Well as it turns out not only did I not do better than last time I did worse. I got a big whopping 9/40 placing me solidly in the lower quartile of percentages. At this rate I might end up failing the class and having to retake it. I am not pleased at all with this turn of events. I have arranged to study a lot for this next one with one of the guys I know in the class and I hope to reverse this trend. Other than that things are pretty good. Oh and btw ask me about my new shiny Magic deck. :) |
| Friday, September 12th, 2003 |
| 4:12 pm |
eh
Well it looks like I didn't do as well on my Calc test as I was hoping. I felt pretty prepared but there was only two questions and neither of them were on the stuff I had focused on (or that the TA had focused on in the conference today) so I don't feel very confident. I'm hoping I at least did better. I'm thinking high F range. So yeah. Eh. |
| 2:42 am |
quick entry
Just dropping a quick line before I go to bed. I spent a lot of time today talking to Celia and its being really nice. Even though we've kind of taken a step back I still feel really close to her and its a wonderful feeling to know she is such a good friend. Oh and I think I might do ok on my Calc test today. I actually understand some of it. Now off to bed so I can sleep a little and get up early enough to study more. |
| Wednesday, September 10th, 2003 |
| 6:06 pm |
feast or famine
Within the last week 3 of the girls I liked have moved into the just friends category in one way or another. One girl left for Australia and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. One has started seeing someone and I hope it goes well for her. One needs to take some time for herself and I totally understand that and hope she finds the peace she is looking for. I'm not even upset about it really. I'm more bemused I suppose. I went from too many options to none in the space of a week. (There is a 4th girl but she has been being clearly just friends for a while now) Functionally not much is different since none of them live near me anyways but its just kinda odd and ironic I suppose. Who knows what the future holds but for now I am solidly single and really light on prospects but for once I'm actually ok with it. I have started becoming closer friends with all of them and that matters a lot to me. However, I still am laughing at the timing. Current Mood: bemused |
| Tuesday, September 9th, 2003 |
| 5:28 pm |
way too many things
Ok so its been a few and there's lots I want to say so bear with me here. First I want to mention that I was going to post yesterday but I could not due to my not having internet access anymore. As it turns out I was sharing MP3s on the network and due to the massive legal action being threatened by the RIAA my school has had to take measures to prevent the sharing of MP3s and as such I was disallowed internet access until I stopped sharing MP3s. All I have to say to that is "Fuck the RIAA." Seriously, I have bought over 200 CDs and overpaid for all of them. The actual production cost of a CD including recording and advertising and everything else is around $5. I paid $15 - $20 or even more for most of the CDs I own and have been being ripped off by them for years and now they are upset at me. So why did I not unshare my MP3s? Well that was an oversight on my part. See I got told to unshare all my stuff that I had shared from my old school but I forgot about my seocnd hard drive. Now normally thats not the kind of thing that would slip one's mind except that at the time my computer was refusing to acknowledge I had a second hard drive. It has this fun thing it does where it will show that it exists in my Device Manager but not let me access it through My Computer. In order to gain access I have to uninstall it and then restart. Then on bootup it will auto-detect the drive and install it granting me access. But if I restart without uninstalling it then it refuses to acknowledge that it is there. I have no reason why this is but due to its not being there when I unshared everything I forgot to unshare the stuff on it. So on to the fun of Calculus. That test that I thought was going to wreck me did in fact end up being the sheer destructive force I anticipated. Not only did I fail but I failed by a large amount. 12/40 (thats a 30% or half as good as a normal F which is often a 65% or lower) was my score and it was the lowest in the class and the teacher pulled me aside after to see if I needed to switch to a different section of Calculus. I told him that its not that I'm bad at this or anything its just that I took Calculus I 5 years ago in High School and its been so long that I am forgetting some of the basics. Hopefully next week's test will be better. On to the fun stuff. The Science Fiction Society on campus (and of course I am a member) held a gaming weekend this weekend and it was awesome. I had a lot of fun and played a bunch of different games. I played some really fun games including Call of Cthulu. To give you some idea of how that went my character was Jack the Ripper and that fit the plot line perfectly well. As part of gaming weekend I hosted a Magic: the Gathering booster draft. So basically what that means is that me and 9 other dorks opened up a bunch of Magic cards and made decks out of them and had a tournament. It was a lot of fun and I made a profit off of selling the booster packs. Everyone enjoyed it so much in fact that I might be starting a club for playing Magic and I already have a mailing list for it. One of the people who played in the Magic booster draft I held also played in the tournament someone else held the day before. She was really cute and fun to talk to and we ended up playing each other and finding out we running almost the exact same deck. It was really fun because we were both really into a lot of the same things and we talked a lot then and at the booster draft I held. She is an alumni of my school who still lives in the area so she can't start the Magic club herself but she is going to help me do it and she already wrote a rough draft of the constitution for it. We're getting along really well and IMing and all that stuff but I don't think anything will come of it. Mostly b/c she has a fiance :( How come every time I like a girl there is some really solid reason I can't date her? I mean I wasn't even like really into this girl or anything yet. I was just sort of flirting and enjoying being able to share interests with a girl. And like the moment I started to like her at all its like *BLAM* she has a fiance. He's a kewl guy and all and he played in my booster draft too so thats good. Its just frustrating to have a options sealed off before they even really become options. I'd known her only a few hours before it became incredibly clear I could not date her. Oh well. At least she doesn't live on the other side of the country. So here it is. My very own welcome back to having internet monstrous journal update. Not very inspiring or very cheerful but take it with a grain of salt. I've been trying to make this update for two days now but haven't had internet and being the technogeek I am that seriously limits my entertainment options. It was killing me. Well now I need to catch up on my internet comics and look up the 800 things I wanted to look up yesterday but couldn't. Peace. Current Mood:  distressed |
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